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Love Hearts

February 17, 2014

So Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and I hope it treated you well, my lovely readers.

But I don’t really get it. While all the chocolates and roses and soft toys are very nice, it does all get a bit…boring, you know? Unoriginal. Instead, why not express your affection for someone with the ultimate symbol of enduring love?

With a toasted sandwich. Aw yeah.

Cue music.


We are going to make the world’s most romantic toastie, and for this we need the candy of crushes, ye olde Love Hearts. A great big tube of ’em.


If you’re unfamiliar with these sweets, they’re hard little fruit-flavoured candies which have a slightly sherbert-y taste to them. Apparently they have their origins in Victorian ‘conversation lozenges’, which frankly sound like the most unappealing kind of conversations you could ever be involved in.


Laying them out I’m getting quite excited about the literary aspect of this toastie. I’ve never made a sandwich with so many words before!


Er, hang on. True Lips? …  Is that even a thing?


Right, so now to make the toastie. Construction must be meticulous and symmetrical. After all, you want to impress your loved one with your manual dexterity and aesthetic sensibility. 


Reciting some poetry can also help with the wooing too:

O Toastie.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more crunchy and more delicious.


Much leakage may plague thy bready boundaries,

But thy eternal tastiness shall not fade.


Actually there’s only a tiny bit of leakage with this toastie. I can’t help but look at it and imagine that the leakage is melted words oozing out the side of the toastie.



Which explains what happens when we inspect the innards. It’s blank! The sweets have melted and partially dissolved, so that the writing has completely disappeared.

You could say…this toastie’s lost for words.

But don’t, because that’s a *terrible* joke and your date is likely to walk out on you after that.


And the cross-section. As the bread cools the Love Hearts crisp up again, and the bread has obviously absorbed some of the dissolved sweets because it’s gotten surprisingly fragile. Like many a relationship where couples no longer make toasties for each other. So sad.


Toastability – 5/5. Straight forward construction, no need to clean up afterwards. And the less you have to talk about ‘leakage’ if you’re trying to seduce someone while making them a toasted sandwich, the better.

Taste – 3/5. Hm. Interesting. The flavours of the Love Hearts seem to have gotten a bit stronger with cooking, and there’s still a little bit of fizziness going on. I have to admit though that it’s not the greatest toastie ever made. Warm, slightly fizzy candy is not exactly the sexiest of foodstuffs.

But hey. When it comes down to it, this isn’t about the taste. It’s about true love. That is, seeing whether someone truly loves you enough to eat this toastie just to make you happy.

Aw. And who said romance was dead?

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